Kara Swanson's Brain Injury Blog

March 25, 2013

What Does It Mean To Survive?

Filed under: Uncategorized — karaswanson @ 8:02 pm

We hear the word all the time.  In this brain injury community, especially, we toss it around and heap it and don it.    Survive.  Survivors.  TBI survivors….

I was wondering how it is that so many of us feel so blessed and gifted of this life after injury while so many feel so cursed and struck down.

Is it simply a matter of severity of injury?

I think part of it, at least, has to do with how we view what it means to survive.  What our own definition of it is and how that evolves over time.

Think of your own situation…What words and phrases come to mind when you think about surviving TBI?

I hear from so many survivors and, for many, the term “survived” is personalized, surrounded by and thrust into a tangled mess of phrases that include, “Got stuck with,” “End up dealing with,” “I lost…,” “I can no longer….,”  “I don’t have…..,”

Perhaps it is our personalized definition of the word which plants the seeds for our recoveries, successful or not.   Perhaps it is how we define what has happened to us that sets the tone for how the rest of our lives will be.

I think two things are important regarding this:   One, it’s knowing and searching and being aware of how we have defined our survival.   And two, it’s seeking to redefine it and to help sculpt its meaning over time.

A definition, by its very nature, is the answer to the simple question, “What is it?”

I’m sure most of us have a similar definition of brain injury at the beginning.  What is it?  It is scary.  It is painful.  It is life-changing.  It is horrific.  It is unfair.  It is all-consuming.  It is confusing.  It is and it is and it is, a thousand times over.

But what is it now?

What is it six months later?  A year later?  Five?

How does your definition of surviving change and how have you sought to change it?

I close my eyes and picture the word “survive.”  While I can recall the words I first associated with my injury, I no longer feel the emotions attached to those words.

Instead, the words and feelings and phrases which come to me now are:

To emerge.

To shed.

To transform.

To blossom.

To change.

To reach.

To improve.

To prioritize.

To sift.

To reveal.

To love clearly.

For me, to have survived, is to have been given a gift greater than any I could have imagined before I brushed past Death.

I don’t simply wear “Survivor” around my neck like the anchor of some unjust sentence.

I celebrate it.  I dance with it.  I giggle with it.   I drink umbrella drinks with it.  I pull it near and hold it close.  I dust it and clean it and polish it.

What do you do with your survival?

I’ve had seventeen years to practice and, granted, to survive does not mean to recover from all of our symptoms.

Recover.  Heal.

We can enjoy those things, even with symptoms that refuse to leave.  Refuse to flee.

Today my legs started doing their silly “I have no bones” thing around 2 o’ clock.   I came home and napped.  I gave the napping no permission.  I did not invite it.

It came and swallowed me up and sat on me.

I napped.

But I don’t require all the symptoms to heal in order to define myself as recovered.

It is the changing definition of survival.  Of recovering.  Of living.

I have survived many things.   I survived a serious carbon monoxide scare as a kid.  Sexual abuse.  My parents’ many strokes and their deaths.  Losing my house and my perfect credit.  My catering career.

There was that drunk driver who rear-ended me and that breast mass and that near-miss in the intersection on vacation.

There was that abusive relationship and that statistics class in college and that horrible bout with food poisoning.  There was the bad hair of the 80s.  Double pneumonia.  That adrenal gland tumor and every time Michigan loses to Michigan State or Ohio State or Notre Dame.

I survived them all.

What have you survived?  Brain injury.  Divorce, perhaps.  A medical scare.  A lost job.  A car accident.  An abusive spouse.  A felony conviction.  A hazing.  Bullying.  Lonliness.  Desperation.   Depression.  A broken heart.

Life and living is the very definition of surviving.  It is what the living do.

We survive.

In the absence of survival comes our death and so, when we survive, it is not the dreaded anchor around our necks.  It is not some awful curse and sentence.

It is the opportunity to live.   And to live better.

To put a day or seventeen years between us and the things that we survive.

To embrace the emergence of transformed selves.

To come through.

To come out of.

To emerge.

Definitions reflect that particular moment when something is described and characterized.

Definitions are meant to change.  Able to change.

For the brain injured, begging to change.

What does it mean to you to have survived?

14 Comments »

  1. It means I too, sort of ‘melt’ about 3PM… My head hurts sometimes, and all of those things… but what I have gained is…
    New friends who have strength that amazes me…
    Insight I never would have had.
    And a self worth that I honestly never had before–not like this… I have worked SO HARD to be where I am… and I am proud of that.

    I have gained a friend named Kara, who I have so much respect for…

    HUGS!

    Comment by Barb — March 25, 2013 @ 10:20 pm | Reply

    • I echo Both of your sayings & Only wish I knew I was not alone & knew ALL this before I got too many years down the road! Doctors need to spread this info on to New people

      Comment by Vonnie Kronk — March 26, 2013 @ 2:05 pm | Reply

      • Well, let’s hope you and me and all of us reach out and find those people who, like we were, are lonely and feeling isolated and scared amidst a new injury. We can help people going simply by what we know now that we wish we had known earlier. Thanks for writing. :))

        Comment by karaswanson — March 26, 2013 @ 7:01 pm

    • You have done awesome. YOU!!!! You have much to be proud of. Your hard work rewards you with victory after victory. I happen to think you rock, Barb. :))

      Comment by karaswanson — April 1, 2013 @ 11:28 pm | Reply

  2. I love your writing and your message. This post gave me chills. I would love to repost in my non-commercial blog, healinghamlet(dot)com, which focuses on healing and the arts (visual, music and writing). I will provide a link back to your blog. Please let me know: phoenix(at)healinghamlet.com. Thanks.

    Comment by Anita Price — April 23, 2013 @ 2:14 am | Reply

    • Hi, Anita: Thanks for the kind words. Yes, you can post a link. I’m so glad you liked it. Makes my day. Thank you. :)

      Comment by karaswanson — April 23, 2013 @ 8:50 am | Reply

      • Thank you! I will let you know when it posts on my blog.

        Comment by Anita Price — April 23, 2013 @ 2:13 pm

  3. Your post is up today: http://healinghamlet.com/healing-stories/what-does-it-mean-to-survive/. Thank you, Kara!!

    Comment by Anita Price — May 1, 2013 @ 8:54 am | Reply

    • That’s great, Anita! Smiling here. Thanks. :)))

      Comment by karaswanson — May 1, 2013 @ 8:37 pm | Reply

  4. I enjoyed reading this post very much, I think that there is something very meaningful and profound in having the ability to move forward in life with a smile no matter what you may face.

    Comment by James Booker — May 1, 2013 @ 9:19 am | Reply

    • Well, thank you, James Booker. You have a fine name. :) I appreciate your kind words.

      Comment by karaswanson — May 1, 2013 @ 8:37 pm | Reply

  5. I agree with karaswanson, you rock barb! :D

    Comment by Andrew Blaine — May 1, 2013 @ 9:55 am | Reply

  6. Nice blog here! Also your web site loads up fast! What web host are
    you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
    I wish my web site loaded up as quickly as yours lol

    Comment by levitra — June 6, 2013 @ 9:00 pm | Reply

    • I don’t even know what an affiliate link to a host is. Ha. WordPress is an excellent site to post your writings. I think you’ll like it. Good luck.

      Comment by karaswanson — June 6, 2013 @ 10:55 pm | Reply


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