We seem to get ourselves into trouble when we decide to place deadlines on events and things and people who aren’t playing by the same set of rules.
I’ve watched couples break up because the woman decided that her man “should have proposed by now.” I’ve seen couples splinter because one concludes that they “should have been pregnant by now.”
I am trying to finish my latest book, my first full-length novel, and I admit that, several times, I have felt the self-imposed pressure of, “I should have this done by now.”
Lord knows there are countless people out there who have chucked pandemic restrictions in anger and impatience because they determined that THIS THING SHOULD BE OVER ALREADY!!!
The hard truth is that we don’t get to decide everything. Some things are not up to us and we invite frustration and fracture when we assume the power of creating deadlines that weren’t ours to decide.
You know where I’m going with this..
Hurried stew is just chunks of tough meat in water..
Brain injuries should be completely healed long before most of us enjoy all of our healing. There is an impatience to return to what we had and what we no longer have access to. That wait is painful, frustrating and, when it takes too long, desperate and depressing.
What do we do?
It’s important that we install deadlines in order to get certain things done, certainly. But we have to choose wisely. Not everything, like pandemics, are ours to place deadlines upon. Maybe, in the instance of a dragging partner, we can do the proposing. Maybe, when a couple hasn’t gotten pregnant, they can set a deadline for when they turn to alternative avenues for bringing children into the family.
We can sit around feeling anxious and desperate for things to meet our deadlines. Or we can aim that energy toward positive action and change.
It all begins with assessment. We have to take an honest look at what we are dealing with.
Brain injuries aren’t working for anyone. They don’t answer to me or to you. They have their own timetable. While it’s important to measure, the measure of progress should not begin from the day before your injury. It should begin on the day after it. Start your measurement there.
How far have you come?
Setting deadlines can help if we set them NOT for a finished product of our choosing but, instead, to mark progress. In the case of my writing, the book is just not ready yet. Ugh.
But I can assess and I can set deadlines that are reasonable. I can grab power and create power by inspiring myself and imploring myself to write each morning.
One by one by one.
All of us will face uncomfortable situations that we want to rush to a conclusion. But rushed stew makes for tough-as-leather chunks of meat in water. A rushed book makes for a lousy novel. A rushed return after a sprained ankle means pain and limping.
It’s done when it’s done.
When it comes to our injuries, we can alleviate stress and frustration by installing the deadlines, not of conclusion, but of assessment. Allow yourself to set down the deadlines you created for when this thing should be over and when you should be “back to normal.” Instead, set your deadlines to assess how far you have come and which things you can impact.
If you allow yourself to view it as a marathon, you will stop training for a sprint.
I am assessing today and I realize the pandemic is not done yet. I cannot just burn all my masks and go running naked into a crowd, hugging and kissing as I go.
The pandemic is not done yet and it’s not in my power to end it.
I am assessing today and I realize my book is not ready. I cannot just publish it now and put out a lousy product.
It’s done when it’s done.
The end result of our choosing doesn’t always come with a time stamp of our choosing. Not for a marriage proposal. Not for babies. Not for pandemics or novels or brain injuries.
But we can keep working to improve a relationship. We can investigate adoption. We can keep getting up at 5 in the morning and writing. We can get through another day of wearing masks and not hugging our loved ones.
And we can assess where we are on this brain injury journey and see if changes need to be made. Instead of awaiting some golden finish line, we can set deadlines for things we have the power to create. Solve problems we can figure. Determine we need help for this or for that. Add this. Trim off that. Stop here. Turn there.
It’s done when it’s done. We have the opportunity to look at it in a different way. What is done can be the excruciating waiting for an end we cannot choose and, instead, a step toward better in any direction. We can’t keep waiting for our brain injury journey to return us to our starting line. We have to invite and allow for our journey to take us to somewhere else. Somewhere that can be, dare I say, better.